"Is this recording? ...Um. Hi. This is Wirt. I'm not here right now - I-I mean, obviously, since this is a recorded message. Uh... Leave me a message and I'll get back to you, at some point."
[Wirt pales. Mabel has weaseled so much information out of him over the years that he literally has no idea what that interesting thing could be other than something horribly incriminating.]
[Mabel knows so many things. So many. Louis' grin widens.]
Soooomething about a bird girlfriend. I mean, I'm not gonna judge, whatever floats your boat, Wirtster. But I'm curious about the bird thing. Like was she all bird or like partially a bird? How much bird to human ratio are we talking here?
[Somehow, even though his face is already red, Wirt still manages to look hugely embarrassed and flustered.]
O-Oh, my god. Beatrice wasn't really a bird! I mean, yes, she was definitely a bird for a lot of the time she was here b-but I wasn't like-- oh my god, that's gross Louis.
[HE HATES THIS CONVERSATION SO MUCH.]
She threw a rock at a bluebird because she's a jerk and it cursed her and the entire family so they were like, all bluebirds for a while? And I did meet her while she was a bird but nothing happened while she was still a bird. We got these magic scissors and cut her wings away and she turned into a girl again so like. Zero percent bird! A-And probably not even 100% girlfriend! I don't know; it was complicated!
Hey, your world is super fucking weird. It could genuinely go either way.
[He doesn't know what he was expecting as an explanation, but it definitely wasn't that. Even if he had a million guesses, he would have never guessed that was what the bird girlfriend was all about. ]
Aaaaaand I refer back to my previous comment about your super fucking weird world. Like you just cut her wings and suddenly the bird curse was lifted? Like how does that leap of logic even make that?
[Wirt, your world is so goddamn bonkers and he comes from a place where dead people literally try to eat you.]
So like... did you ever ask her if she was your girlfriend or?
[Wirt shrugs. He's never really thought about it that hard.]
I dunno. It definitely worked though, because she turned back into a girl. A-And she's come to Wonderland a couple of times, so it wasn't jsut some one-off thing. The scissors are magic and they break the curse if you cut the wings.
[He doesn't argue about that world being weird though, because that is definitely super true.]
...Not really. We kissed once, but it was like...remember when a ton of people were here last Christmas and everything broke? She was here during that, and there was a sense of like, not being sure if we'd have another chance to? I don't know if I'll ever meet her as a person when I leave here, and even if I did I'd still need to go all the way home, and if she lives in that world she might not, um. Be...alive? Not in a zombie way but in a "she and her family might live in an actual purgatory" kind of way? I have no idea but it seemed kind of rude to ask about it.
I mean honestly, I thought if you cut a birds' wings off you'd end up with a bird who can't fly any more, but what do I know with my logic and science.
[He says this, of course, while they're both adorable little ponies. ]
Um. Okay, Wirt? Pro-tip? When a girl kisses you because she's not sure if you'll actually have any chance to do it again? Probably means she's actually into you and was always nervous about making that leap in case something bad happened. Jesus, fuck she sounds as neurotic as you are.
[He means that in the best possible way. Probably.]
That sucks, though. The purgatory thing. So you have no way of finding out if she's okay? If... when [he remembers that happy Christmas scene] when you get back, you'll have no way of finding out?
What? Pfft. No way. I was definitely the one more nervous about it. She's way too cool for that.
[Frankly she's way too cool for Wirt just in general.]
Well...like, she lives on an actual functioning grist mill in that world with like, her whole family? And she's not really period-accurate to when I'm from. When she's a human she dresses kind of regency-style with her hair up - kind of like a Jane Austen character?
[God, it feels good to talk to someone who might be able to create a mental image based on a literary reference for once.]
So, if it's some kind of afterlife or purgatory then she's probably been dead like, two hundred years or so. I mean, I could check the cemetery at home and see if her name is there, but I don't think there's anything else I can really do.
I don't know. Sounds like you might have been a weak spot for her. It happens to everyone eventually.
[Louis considers that, trying to conjure a mental image of her and...yeah, she sounds very much in the Past.]
And it wasn't just Renfaire over in the Unknown?
[It could happen!]
...Yeah, that sounds like a pretty depressing thing to do. I mean, do you think it would help you? To know for sure? Or would it be easier letting it be a mystery?
[Because there are people he cared about who he knows are super dead and people he assumes probably are dead, but will never get confirmation thereof. And he knows exactly which one he prefers. Louis is a guy who'll consistently live in hope. ]
[Wirt has to think about it for a moment. It's a shame such a pensive look is a little silly on a pony.]
...I don't think it would help. I mean, it might be nice to know more about her, or where she lived when she was alive, but I don't think knowing would change anything. Like, I still have a life I have to live. It's not like I would be able to stay with her without, you know. Dying?
[He can't get hung up on a crush on someone who's basically a ghost at his point in time. It's tough, but at least he's very aware that it's not realistic to want that.]
I've had a lot of doomed crushes, so it's not like it's anything new really.
[That really does look ridiculous. He came here to make fun of Wirt and his bird girlfriend and now they're having a serious morals talk and Louis has no idea how they ended up here.]
Yeah. Sometimes you just gotta be content with not knowing, I think.
[Oh, but now he smiles.]
But things are going okay with you and Dipper, right? Right? That's not so doomed.
[He pauses though, thinking on that word. Doomed.]
...We're from different worlds though, so eventually it's probably going to be the same kind of thing? Especially if one of us leaves or something. ...But, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, or something.
[Things really are good now, and it's a show of how much he's grown that it doesn't consume him and make him question himself constantly. It's a problem, but...it's not something they can do anything about. So why not experience this strange, frozen moment in time together while they can?]
[ There is that. There's an inevitability to Wirt's relationship with Dipper. They found each other here, and they'll lose each other here. It's not fair.
Not for the first time, he's endlessly glad he and Clem share a world. He doesn't know how he'd cope in Wirt's position. Not at all, probably.]
Yeah. That's... really shitty. You gotta just enjoy it while you can. Take it a day at a time, yeah?
[He smiles, canting his head.]
You're doing better. I mean, less anxious. It's a good look on you.
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Oh no. What? What did she tell you?!
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Soooomething about a bird girlfriend. I mean, I'm not gonna judge, whatever floats your boat, Wirtster. But I'm curious about the bird thing. Like was she all bird or like partially a bird? How much bird to human ratio are we talking here?
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O-Oh, my god. Beatrice wasn't really a bird! I mean, yes, she was definitely a bird for a lot of the time she was here b-but I wasn't like-- oh my god, that's gross Louis.
[HE HATES THIS CONVERSATION SO MUCH.]
She threw a rock at a bluebird because she's a jerk and it cursed her and the entire family so they were like, all bluebirds for a while? And I did meet her while she was a bird but nothing happened while she was still a bird. We got these magic scissors and cut her wings away and she turned into a girl again so like. Zero percent bird! A-And probably not even 100% girlfriend! I don't know; it was complicated!
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[He doesn't know what he was expecting as an explanation, but it definitely wasn't that. Even if he had a million guesses, he would have never guessed that was what the bird girlfriend was all about. ]
Aaaaaand I refer back to my previous comment about your super fucking weird world. Like you just cut her wings and suddenly the bird curse was lifted? Like how does that leap of logic even make that?
[Wirt, your world is so goddamn bonkers and he comes from a place where dead people literally try to eat you.]
So like... did you ever ask her if she was your girlfriend or?
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I dunno. It definitely worked though, because she turned back into a girl. A-And she's come to Wonderland a couple of times, so it wasn't jsut some one-off thing. The scissors are magic and they break the curse if you cut the wings.
[He doesn't argue about that world being weird though, because that is definitely super true.]
...Not really. We kissed once, but it was like...remember when a ton of people were here last Christmas and everything broke? She was here during that, and there was a sense of like, not being sure if we'd have another chance to? I don't know if I'll ever meet her as a person when I leave here, and even if I did I'd still need to go all the way home, and if she lives in that world she might not, um. Be...alive? Not in a zombie way but in a "she and her family might live in an actual purgatory" kind of way? I have no idea but it seemed kind of rude to ask about it.
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[He says this, of course, while they're both adorable little ponies. ]
Um. Okay, Wirt? Pro-tip? When a girl kisses you because she's not sure if you'll actually have any chance to do it again? Probably means she's actually into you and was always nervous about making that leap in case something bad happened. Jesus, fuck she sounds as neurotic as you are.
[He means that in the best possible way. Probably.]
That sucks, though. The purgatory thing. So you have no way of finding out if she's okay? If... when [he remembers that happy Christmas scene] when you get back, you'll have no way of finding out?
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[Frankly she's way too cool for Wirt just in general.]
Well...like, she lives on an actual functioning grist mill in that world with like, her whole family? And she's not really period-accurate to when I'm from. When she's a human she dresses kind of regency-style with her hair up - kind of like a Jane Austen character?
[God, it feels good to talk to someone who might be able to create a mental image based on a literary reference for once.]
So, if it's some kind of afterlife or purgatory then she's probably been dead like, two hundred years or so. I mean, I could check the cemetery at home and see if her name is there, but I don't think there's anything else I can really do.
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[Louis considers that, trying to conjure a mental image of her and...yeah, she sounds very much in the Past.]
And it wasn't just Renfaire over in the Unknown?
[It could happen!]
...Yeah, that sounds like a pretty depressing thing to do. I mean, do you think it would help you? To know for sure? Or would it be easier letting it be a mystery?
[Because there are people he cared about who he knows are super dead and people he assumes probably are dead, but will never get confirmation thereof. And he knows exactly which one he prefers. Louis is a guy who'll consistently live in hope. ]
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...I don't think it would help. I mean, it might be nice to know more about her, or where she lived when she was alive, but I don't think knowing would change anything. Like, I still have a life I have to live. It's not like I would be able to stay with her without, you know. Dying?
[He can't get hung up on a crush on someone who's basically a ghost at his point in time. It's tough, but at least he's very aware that it's not realistic to want that.]
I've had a lot of doomed crushes, so it's not like it's anything new really.
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Yeah. Sometimes you just gotta be content with not knowing, I think.
[Oh, but now he smiles.]
But things are going okay with you and Dipper, right? Right? That's not so doomed.
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[He pauses though, thinking on that word. Doomed.]
...We're from different worlds though, so eventually it's probably going to be the same kind of thing? Especially if one of us leaves or something. ...But, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, or something.
[Things really are good now, and it's a show of how much he's grown that it doesn't consume him and make him question himself constantly. It's a problem, but...it's not something they can do anything about. So why not experience this strange, frozen moment in time together while they can?]
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Not for the first time, he's endlessly glad he and Clem share a world. He doesn't know how he'd cope in Wirt's position. Not at all, probably.]
Yeah. That's... really shitty. You gotta just enjoy it while you can. Take it a day at a time, yeah?
[He smiles, canting his head.]
You're doing better. I mean, less anxious. It's a good look on you.
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What? Really?
[It catches him off guard, but in a good way. It really feels like a compliment at this point.]
I...hadn't really noticed, I guess? But, um. Thank you.
[Despite the fumbling response, the smile that comes with it is genuine.]
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[Because of course he did. ]
It's cool to see, obviously Dipper's having some sort of effect on your confidence.
[And, because he's still a little shit no matter what, that's a well-placed eyebrow waggle right there. A-huh-huh.]
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Or, you know, it could be like...my growth as a person or something.
[It doesn't have to be his NEW BOYFRIEND, though when he says this he's blushing pretty hard.]
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I mean sure, it could be.
[HE SEES THAT BLUSHING, WIRT, YOU CAN'T FOOL HIM.]