"Is this recording? ...Um. Hi. This is Wirt. I'm not here right now - I-I mean, obviously, since this is a recorded message. Uh... Leave me a message and I'll get back to you, at some point."
[Believe it or not though, it doesn't take him long to catch on this time.]
...You mean Monika, right? No, she's-- I-I don't know where she is, but she's not here.
[That's probably a good thing at this point. He moves aside to let Dipper in, so they don't have to have this conversation where someone could overhear it.]
We were never dating. I just kind of...let her crash here? She needed a place to stay and...and wow, that sounds. Really bad out of context. I promise it's not that weird with the context.
[How does he even explain the context though?! He thinks hard for a moment.]
Well...that's the thing about Monika. She kind of doesn't have a body? She's like, inside the network somehow. I found her when she got here like, on the ground inside one of the network devices. I took it back to my room so no one would step on her or something. I mean, I guess I could have just thrown her in an empty room somewhere, but it's not like she can get up and move herself so that seemed kind of...mean?
It happened to Soos! He picked up this romance video game thing to try and make himself better at dating, but when he got an actual girlfriend the girl in the game got super jealous and took over robots to try and kill him! And her, and us, cause we were around.
Wow. That...actually, yeah. That does sound a lot like Monika. She hasn't been able to do much, since she's stuck inside a computer, but...she did kind of send me a poem about nails and knives and useless characters that was vaguely threatening?
[She also definitely sent it with a scream that made him jump out of his skin but he's going to skip that part.]
Let's just hope she doesn't find a robot she can jump to. [He glances at the door nervously.] Though... there are a bunch of robots here. That's... not great.
I don't know anything about robots, but...she had a body at the carnival. Like, a real body. She said she asked the Red Queen if she could have one she just gave her one, and said she could use it for a week. As far as I know there weren't any other catches, which is kind of weird?
Only for a week? [Dipper frowns.] Yeah, that is weird. And potentially dangerous. I don't love the idea of her not being confined to the network, but I also bet that if she gets just a taste for a real body and then has it taken away…. Well, she seems like she might take extreme measures to get what she wants.
...you're probably fine. [Maybe. Sort of.] There aren't as many electronics here as back home so like, she can't wipe out your bank account or mess with stoplights or anything.
[Wirt looks absolutely horrified by the future and the weird ways a computer could totally kill him or ruin his life if it wanted to.]
I-I mean...I guess? Do you get a LOT of potentially malevolent computer people in the future? Like, do you always have to worry about stoplights glitching and bank accounts getting wiped out for no reason?!
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He knocks on the door. Wirt's a little spacy sometimes, so it's probably best to approach this delicately.]
Hey, Wirt? Is your stalker in there with you?
[Or not.]
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[Believe it or not though, it doesn't take him long to catch on this time.]
...You mean Monika, right? No, she's-- I-I don't know where she is, but she's not here.
[That's probably a good thing at this point. He moves aside to let Dipper in, so they don't have to have this conversation where someone could overhear it.]
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Good. She said she was living with you and that you're dating. I was concerned.
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We were never dating. I just kind of...let her crash here? She needed a place to stay and...and wow, that sounds. Really bad out of context. I promise it's not that weird with the context.
[How does he even explain the context though?! He thinks hard for a moment.]
Have you, um. Met Monika? Like, in person?
[That might be a good place to start.]
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[Wirt shrugs kind of helplessly.]
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Seriously? She's a boyfriend-obsessed AI who can't take a hint? Why does this always happen?
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What do you mean why does this always happen? Who has this ever happened to before, ever?
[He doesn't doubt him exactly - it's jsut hard to imagine someone else had this exact same problem already.]
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[Dipper has had a really weird life.]
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[She also definitely sent it with a scream that made him jump out of his skin but he's going to skip that part.]
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[Wirt, in his defense, knows almost nothing about electronics.]
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Sometimes I forget that you're from the eighties.
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What does that have to do with anything?!
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[Dipper, you're freaking him out a little.]
H-How much trouble am I in exactly?
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I-I mean...I guess? Do you get a LOT of potentially malevolent computer people in the future? Like, do you always have to worry about stoplights glitching and bank accounts getting wiped out for no reason?!
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